


Hurt

by Anonymous



Category: minecraftyoutubers, tommyinnit - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blades, Blood, Blood and Injury, Gen, Happy Ending, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Knives, Not much fluff tbh, Sad, Self Harm, Sorry if this is bad to post I’ll take it down if so, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, major trigger warning, vent fic, very sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:27:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26024194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Everything is hurting for Tommy, and he wants it all to stop. He is talked out of doing it when trying to say goodbye to his friends._________________________________________This is a major vent fic, so it’s not written very well and is basically just me pouring my emotions for the past eight months out into my notes in the form of projection. They are probably not written very well, and there’s not a lot of dialogue, so apologies there!
Relationships: No Romantic Relationships - Relationship, TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF) & Wilbur Soot (Video Blogging RPF), Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit
Comments: 13
Kudos: 657
Collections: Anonymous





	Hurt

It hurt. It hurt so bad, it stung, and yet he continued to dig into the skin, dragging, scraping the blade through his skin. Tears blurred his vision, blue eyes blinking the water away blearily, another sob heaved out in pain. Not from his now bleeding arm, no. His heart felt strangled, heavy in his chest. It hurt. 

Tommy was alone, now. Wasn’t he? Everybody had left, everyone was gone. It may have been stupid of him to think, he was just alone for the night. They didn’t leave him.. right? But they had. He was alone, he was alone, they all hated him and while he deserved it it hurt, everything hurt so bad. 

He inhaled sharply, shakily, before another light headed sob escaped him. He had been crying for so long, it was as though the pipes had run dry, his cheeks only damp from the past tears. He was just left immensely light headed, thoughts foggy, hands trembling, and arm red with blood and inflammation from all the cuts littered along it. Truth be told, he didn’t go very deep when he cut, mostly. The blood would only well up in little dots along the lines. 

Except for today, he’d dug a couple lines deeper, the blood didn’t dot, it welled up and pooled in the spot. He stared at it, because wow, he didn’t usually bleed that much. The cut hadn’t hurt that bad, but there was far more blood than usually did. He was practically in awe, at it. 

He was curled up, knees brought to his chest, in the corner of his room, in between his bed and his wall. He felt completely and utterly horrible. Bleeding, shaking, having a breakdown again, and alone. Fully alone.. because he had nobody, right? Nobody was there, nobody liked him, everybody hated him. They all should despise him. He was a piece of shit. EVERYBODY should hate him.. all he did was mess up and ruin everything for everybody.. he deserved to be hated he deserved to die-

Another sob choked out of him as his thoughts spiraled, quickly. He felt himself falling, further, his head hunched over into his knees as he wrapped his arms around himself to clutch at his sleeves, nearly rocking back and forth as he bawled. He had, for a while, begun to see everything as though he was outside looking in. Through a window, through glass pane, perhaps. Except he had been getting farther, and farther, with every day. It hurt, it hurt so bad. Why did it everything hurt so much? Every day... he tried to think of the times he did feel happy. 

He.. Tubbo made him laugh. He was... if not happy.. he felt a little bit better, with him. They used to call more often, every day, usually. They still did, often. It helped.. usually. Except he found he didn’t have the energy to hang out with Tubbo as often. While it made him feel a bit better, he would inevitably begin to spiral. That started to happen every day now, he thinks... He couldnt let Tubbo see that. Nobody could see him, not like this. 

Tommy sighed, his hazey blue eyes glassy, far away, as he slowly tilted his head back until it bumped into the wall. He felt so far away, he felt himself distancing further either every moment. He was aware of what was happening, but what could he do, anyways. And, he supposed with a weary sigh, that nobody would see him anymore, soon. 

He gently lifted the blade once more to turn it over methodically. And almost experimentally, he lifted it to his throat, pushing the blade against the skin lightly. His face blank of any emotion, distant, only pondering his death, again. He would be gone, forever, hopefully. If he went to some sort of afterlife... well, he’d just feel guilty or something, wouldn’t he? He just had to hope he’d be gone, stay gone. He didn’t need to feel anymore than he already had. He’d had enough of feeling, of life. He dropped the knife, and breathed shakily as he put his face into his hands weakly. He just wasn’t strong enough, anymore. Maybe he never was. Was never meant to make it this far. Just... wasn’t built for it, he supposed. 

Hed frequently pondered the ways he’d do it, over the past month or so. Debating, having his internal struggle. But he sighed as he rose up. He had picked a day, after all. He may as well stick to it. This experience, the pain and the hurt... it was too much. He was ready for it to be over. His head hang low as he fiddled with the zipper on his jacket he’d put on, already inhaling the cold breeze of the outside. It was time to go.

Time was passing quickly, he wasn’t sure of what he was doing at any time he was doing it, really. His thoughts swirled as he drifted farther and farther from that window to his eyes, to his life. He was in his room, bleeding, and before he knew it he was climbing the stairwell of the large building. He’d forgotten what the building was for, mostly it was for parking, many stories of lots filled with cars. 

He’d gone up the elevator as much as he could but now he found himself on the stairs, climbing the last few ones up. Up to the top. He’d taken a bus to get here, made his way far enough, far enough away from his parents. His brain felt foggy, he couldn’t focus on much other than his pain, and that it’s be over soon, right? He made it to the top, opening the door to feel a wave of cold air hit him, and he was faced with a couple more meters, and then the drop. The edge of the roof. A couple more meters to.... 

What exactly? What.... what awaited him, past that edge..? A drop, and momentary pain.. and then he’d be free, free of all the pain. He shook the thoughts away, continuing to make his way forward. He didn’t come all this way for nothing. He felt his phone buzz, once, twice, a couple times. He ignored it. In quick strides, unsure, unsteady, steps, he eventually slowed to peer over.. seeing the street, below. It was high up. 

His blonde hair rustled slightly in the wind. His heart was beating faster than usual. His hands shaking.. doubt only slightly prickling at the back of his mind. With a shaky sigh, he stepped onto the ledge.. and he ever so slowly, sat down, his legs hanging off. His hands, trembling, rested on the ledge he sat on, as he just continued to gaze down. 

After squeezing his eyes shut for a moment, he looked to the sky, instead. It was slightly cloudy, but there were spaces between the clouds, giving way to the dark sky, the few stars he could see twinkling shinily. The moon.. practically full, shining brightly. It felt like it was staring down at him. He didn’t feel alone, for just a moment. 

His phone buzzed every minute it seemed, he ignored the notifications he was getting. He supposed he was having a moment, he may as well enjoy it. His last moment, right? He tried to push away the doubt in his head. He didn’t have doubts, he was doing this. He was doing this. 

His phone buzzed again, and he sighed, finally pulling it out of his pocket. Just twitter stuff.. he stared down at his screen. He began absentmindedly scrolling through Twitter. Just... nothing was there. Nothing important, nothing he could focus on. He couldn’t just use social media right now, not in his mental state. But he needed to do something, he didn’t know what. Before he died, he had to do more.. something else. He would jump, then. Everything would end, then... just not quite yet. He needed to do one last thing... 

...

He saw them in a call. Why they were playing so late, he didn’t know. He didn’t care. He was shaking. He controlled his breathing, trying to stop his hands from trembling so much. He sighed. He had a strong will.. they might catch on, but he would stick to this. He would. The littlest thought of are you joining to say goodbye or to be talked out of it, pussy? He ignored that thought. He was saying goodbye. He had to. He had left his notes, he knew, but he wanted to hear their voices one last time. Of course there were more people he cared about, but... this was the best he was going to get. Shakily, he tapped on the call, joining it. 

It wasn’t too loud when he joined, but he heard the people’s voices he needed to hear. Wilbur and Tubbo. His best friend, his online older brother, he... a note wasn’t enough, to them. There were a couple others, but he didn’t care. It was just them he needed to say this to. At hearing the notification, they began addressing him. 

“Tommy?”  
“Oh, Tommy!”  
“Oh hey Tommy, what’re you doing here? Isn’t it past your bedtime?” The last voice teased. 

Tommy inhaled quietly, he needed to remain calm, it wasn’t good that he already felt the tears threatening to come out again. The hurt expanded in his chest, though he tried to remain calm. 

“Tommy?”

“Ye-yeah, I’m here, ha. Just um-“ Tommy was cut off by the choking of tears rising up again. He waved it off with a cough. Now, the others began to feel something was off, though Tommy continued, his voice significantly less powerful, than it ever was. 

“Ha, i just uhm-“ He mentally punched himself, what was he doing? Why did he join the call?? “I just...” 

“Tommy, why do I hear wind? Where are you right now?” Came Wilburs concerned, stern voice. Shit. He didn’t think to remember he was outside. Tommy just.. he felt the pain welling up, again. He wanted to just break down, to tell Wil everything. No, he screamed back at the feeling. He was remaining CALM. 

“Im.. Im..” With a deep breath, he continued. “you know, Wil, I know you always mess around with me, w-we always mess around. And I know we are just messing around. But I’m sorry.. I’m sorry I always just... would be a little shit, haha.” He looked down again, his legs swaying with a weak smile. “Toby, Toby Im.. I’m sorry if I ever took the jokes too far. You... you’ve always been my best friend, you mean a lot to me. You always managed to make me feel, if even, a little bit better, when I was with you.” 

“Tommy- what..?” Tubbos confusion was evident in his tone. Concern, etched in his words. “Tommy.. You didn’t, I know you were kidding with the jokes.. whats-“ 

“Tommy, where are you right now?” Wilburs voice cut in, concerned, demanding. Fearful. Tommy laughed a weak, empty laugh. He might as well say it. Not like they could get to him or something. 

“Building- Top, of a building. Away, that’s for sure.” He stammered slightly, his laugh empty, broken. His eyes focused on the street below. The ever faint honking of a horn heard from down there. 

Their voices cut in in shock, concern, terror. 

“Tommy, I- please, please, where are you? What, what city?” He faintly heard keys jingling. 

“Dont- don’t come, Wil. Im, this is happening, Im-I’m doing this.” Tommy said attempting to sound determined in his words, but it came out sort of pleadingly. 

“Tommy, I-please dont do this, please, I-“ A sob was heard on Tubbos mic, taking Tommy off guard, as he faltered. “Tommy-T-Tommy please, please Im begging you to just, don’t, don’t jump.” 

“I...” Tommys will was crumbling quickly. He had to hang up, he had to leave, do it before he was talked out of it. 

“Tommy, why do you want to do this? Please, please don’t... but why?” Wilburs voice came in softly. There was still shuffling on the line, Wilbur was still coming to him. He was on his way to Tommy. “What’s wrong, Tommy?” 

That seemed to splinter away the final bit of resolve Tommy had, as he let out a sob, and another, before he was soon weeping on the call with them. They told him to breathe, they calmed him, while Wilbur drove to come see Tommy. Tubbo said he’d find a way to get there as well, his parents would understand due to the situation. Tommy cried, and he sobbed, and he bawled, everything he’d kept inside boiling over and coming out, he cried until he was lightheaded, dizzy, even. And he stumbled away from the ledge tiredly, by the end of it. He shared his location with them, and Fundy, who’d been mostly silent, but reassuring, had dialed Tommys parents and let them know, even to Tommys hesitation.

Once his parents found him, he was sitting on a bench outside of the building, on the sidewalk watching the cars drive by. Everything felt lighter, it felt disorienting, almost. When he was driving home he just looked out the window, tiredly. The lights blurring across his vision. He felt afraid. He hadn’t done it.. what if he should have? Part of him already regretted not doing it. But part of him was relieved... talkings of being admitted to a hospital of sorts, somewhere he could learn to stop cutting himself and not want to die. He just felt exhausted.. but... he had hope. 

Wilbur and Tubbo, his friends, his found family, were there for him... and they.... 

Tubbos sobs echoed in his mind again. 

They cared about him,, a lot. They didn’t deserve to hurt because of him. And after talking to them about how it all hurt so bad and he just wanted it to stop hurting... they promised they would help him, and that it would stop hurting. That it must feel impossible, but it would get better. 

He was unsure. He was afraid.. because it truly felt so impossible, any way out that didn’t involve ending it all. But from how often he started hearing it, the promises sworn to him that it in fact would... he felt a little bit of the weight on him lift. And from the reassurances given to him, the kindness, the care, given to him... he couldn’t help but feel a little bit of the hurt fade to hope. 

And maybe, after the work was done... things would start to feel better.

**Author's Note:**

> hi, Im sorry if this sucked a lot I just was venting out my shit onto this, if this isn’t okay or anything I will gladly take it down, I’m sorry if it is. I’m also sorry that they aren’t written in character and for the lack of dialogue, I really meant for there to be more but it is what it is I guess.   
> Im sorry if the ending doesn’t feel very happy, I haven’t gotten a happy ending yet so it was hard to write it out. Please, if any of you are feeling suicidal or like hurting yourself, I beg of you don’t, and please text the number 741741 which is a crisis line, you can message them. Please, I love you and you deserve to be here so much, I’m proud of how far you have come and you are completely valid!!


End file.
